Whether it is a spot of deep cleaning that tops your “to-do” list this spring or a well-intentioned trip to the shops with your kids while they are on school break, Warrior 1 is the perfect pose to get your mind and body ready for the battle ahead! Once you are in the pose, breathe in while visualizing yourself scrubbing that shower you failed to clean for 3 months. Breathe out as you see your children turn into feral beasts upon entering a store. Hold pose while repeating, “I am a warrior. My thighs might might be burning, but so will the shower when I saturate it in bleach. My arms may feel like they are going to break but they will not, just like my sanity will not break with 2 weeks of all the kids home.”
Pose Dedicated to the Sage Koundinya I
While pretending to make lunch, sneak into a room and clear it of all furniture – you will need both the physical space of an empty room and mental space of not being surrounded by things covered in 6 month’s worth of dust. Make your way into the pose and summon peace as you close your eyes to the world and to that nail polish stain on the carpet. Breathe deep and audibly to fill your twisted and strained muscles with oxygen and to drown out the sounds of your kids yelling about their various stages of extreme hunger. Hold the pose for 35 seconds or as long as it takes before your body’s agony matches that of your next hour of sandwich making and grape cutting.
After a long day of feeding insatiable appetites, curing boredom epidemics, negotiating screen time, settling domestic disputes, and putting away the cleaning supplies you never used, you deserve to relax by bending your body in an unnatural and painful way and holding it there for 5 minutes. Repeat this affirmation in your head, “I am wonderful. I survived another day. My shower will just get dirty again so I don’t need to worry that another day went by without cleaning it. I kind of need to wash the sheets at some point, but for now, I will rest and enjoy this view of my vagina.” Now, give your vagina an approving nod as it has done an amazing job pushing out your little shitbags. Look down to your belly and thank it too for all its hard work making permanent stretch marks and extra skin. Now close your eyes and say a little prayer that a miracle cure in the form of a cheap topical cream comes along to erase it all. Take a deep breath, unfold yourself and get some sleep to prepare for this all again tomorrow.