What the mother-loving fuck happened to my baby? Satan must have pulled a Voldemort-esque move on his second birthday, Harry Pottered his ass and is in now living inside him. At first, I blamed his transformation into the prince of darkness on an impending cold. After 150 days of assholery with no signs of illness, however, it hit me. He’s not sick, he is just a jackass.
Seriously, is this some kind of godawful joke? I had kids so I could rule over them like a mother-fucking boss. “Eat all the green stuff, pick up all the things, throw-up directly into the toilet!” Instead, I’m following orders from a miniature Putin. “Milk! Eat! Ukraine Mine!” I have other kids too, but I swear to god, I don’t even remember their names anymore.
I thought my “job” as a mother was to love and nourish my children, but apparently it is just to keep the little shitbags from killing themselves. Yes, I absolutely think you should run full speed into that wall with a stick in your hand and a lollipop in your mouth, idiot. Yes, the straps on the carseat are merely a suggestion, fuckhead. And, dumbass, a battery isn’t fucking food. Neither is the 17 day old hot dog piece you found in the chair.
All that Baby Mozart crap didn’t work either. I don’t have a calm, centered child with an understanding and appreciation for actual music. Don’t you know what a cow says by now?!? He says, “Moo.” He fucking says, “Moo!” To be fair, after months of Elmo Cocks Up the Classics, I don’t even know what a decent song sounds like anymore. My ear drums have been so bastardized that Taylor Swift songs sounds like freakin Beethoven’s Symphony. Worse, I’m an enabler of this absurdity. I’m like a fucking DJ of shit – flipping through CDs and songs while “Play the DOO-AHH song!” is ordered at me on repeat from the backseat music lord.
Screw waterboarding. Drowning in a questionable water supply sounds like a fucking picnic compared to an hour with my 2 year old. Jack fucking Bauer would sell national secrets after ten minutes alone with him.
Jack: “I will never give you the nuclear codes!”
Guards: “Release the 2 year old!”
My kid: “Play, pppppllllaaayyyy, PLAY!!!”
Jack: “For the love of God, stop yelling at me!”
Kid: “Phone, phooooooonnnee, PHONE!!!”
Jack: “Fine! Take my phone, the battery lasts 24 hours anyway.”
Kid: (unlocks the super secret parental code to find Youtube) “Peppa Pig! Peppa Pigggggg!!!”
Jack: “NOOOO!! I have seen this episode 300,000 times!”
Look, I didn’t sign up for this shit. I live in a goddam democracy. If I want to be ruled by a tiny dictator I would move to North Korea. Fuck this parenting crap, I’m out. “Mommy, Mommmmmieeee, MOMMMY!!!” I won’t answer. I am worth more, I will not give into the hate, I will not have my will to live crushed by a small human, I will shit without an audience. “Mommy!!! Hug..…” Awe, he is so fucking cute, I absolutely love him.