I “Haert” New York

My 8-year-old has never been to New York but his depiction (and spelling) is spot on!

Dear Ecarhart Family,

We would like to formally welcome you to the “new” New York!  A lot has changed around here since we last allowed visitors into our fair city in 2017.  In the aftermath of the incident now known as Bagel- Gate that left our economy crippled, infrastructure broken, and our waistlines expanded, we have made great strides to rebound better and stronger.  This time, in a carbohydrate-free way!

Pictured above on this promotional flyer is the Manhattan Bridge Adventure Park, the new cornerstone of our city and the result of the tireless efforts of our mayor, Bear Grylls.  In between governing and eating maggots out of a goat’s ball sack in the remote wilderness, Grylls somehow found the time to create a secret group known as the “Manhattan Bridge Project.”  As was revealed earlier this year by the New York Post, the “project” (composed entirely of actors and reality tv stars) met regularly with the sole aim of addressing the effects of the recent explosion of simple carbohydrates into the East River on the rapidly enlarging average size of the native wildlife.  Unable to determine who to hire for such a task, the committee changed their focus onto restoring tourism.

An adventurer himself, Mayor Grylls suggested to the project that the city start the tourism rehabilitation by turning the famous Manhattan Bridge into a playground for active families.  The committee was in unanimous agreement and our fantastic Adventure Park was born!

Some of the park features include:

  • Extreme Fishing:  The adventure begins when you cast your line off this historic bridge in hopes of catching a Super Jumbo Flounder.  Next try your hand at fighting the fish into submission as they are about the size of a fully grown human and of unknown temperament once removed from the water.
  • Sea Life Above Ground Experience: Take an escalator ride to the top of the bride to visit our 10 foot long sea turtles.  Run across the bridge dodging these guys Mario Bros-style while they may or may not throw shells at you (we actually are not sure).
  • Giant Eel Tours:  Take a seat on a giant eel and tour the city by water.  Eels are extremely slippery when wet so enjoy holding on for your life – literally cause we are not exactly sure what’s in the water below.

Once you finished a day of extreme sporting, make your way to one of our famous pizza joints – now serving entirely on cauliflower bases.  Believe us when we say, it is splendidly mediocre!

So, it is with great pride that we invite you to experience Adventure Tourism in NYC with whooping promotional offer of 98% off your flights, hotels and park admission.  AND, if you start misspelling “great” on all your social media and help make the billion dollar sign that our loosely educated board members made and hung at the park entrance “a thing” we will actually pay you to come!

Please consider opening your “haerts,” your minds, and your wallets to this incredible experience.  See you this summer!

Best Wishes (and Good Luck),

New York City


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